Weird Movie, the Making of (an absolutely true tale) days 1-2

Day 1

After what seemed like a decade of pre-production, we
were finally ready to begin shooting what some have
prophesied to be the most intellectual and ground-
breaking movie ever to be made. I cannot be certain of
what my colleagues did in preparation, but I fasted for
three days and, the night before filming began, I took
some Peyote and wandered the streets. It was truly an
enlightening experience. I awoke next to a tranny in a
hotel room and I felt whole and refreshed and ready to
begin this strange journey... But there was no way I
could have known what cruel trials fate was about to hurl
upon us.

I showed up on location to find Chris belting out some
ancient fighting song while sharpening his Scottish
blade. He had already been there since 4 A.M. as it took
nearly 4 hours to apply the make-up and prosthetics for
his character. I could see that he was already drunk and
most likely under the influence of some incredibly
strong, imported snus. I attempted to greet him, but he
just grunted and waved me off. I could see that he was in
full character and, being a method actor, did not want to
break his concentration.

I left Chris to continue sharpening his sword and I
approached Alex who was busy setting up for the first
shot. I could tell from a distance that he already seemed
a bit frustrated. I asked him how everything was looking
and he quickly and frankly expressed his concern. It
seemed that one of the many stars we were planning to
work with during the filming of this potential
blockbuster, Megan Fox, was refusing to come out of her
trailer. I assured Alex that I would take care of it and
I turned and began to make my way toward the diva's
trailer.

I approached cautiously, listening for the sounds of
bitching or purging. All seemed clear, so I knocked on
the door. Megan invited me in and explained to me that
she was not trying to be difficult, she was simply
nervous and a bit intimidated to be working with Alex
who, though being as humble as he is would never admit as
much, but, is truly a visionary and one of the greatest
minds of our time. I consoled her as best I could and
assured her that nothing she could do would disappoint
Alex. She composed herself and said that she was ready to
begin.

Things went well until around 3 o'clock when we were
approached by a group of rather large ants. They inquired
about what we were doing and we all did our best to
appease their curiosity and send them on their way, but
they simply refused to leave. It was Chris who first made
obvious his frustrations when he threatened the ants by
showing them an over-sized magnifying glass prop. The
ants did not take this lightly and they hurled insults as
the walked away implying that they would be back with
their friends.

We continued filming until about 45 minutes later when
the ants did indeed return with a gang of their friends.
I will not go into the details of the battle, but I will
say this: we all, the cast and crew, owe our lives to
Chris. After displaying his uncanny swordsmanship and
laying waste to most of the ant brigade, he began to
speak some strange language and summoned his spirit
animal and the battle was won by the mighty Hummingbird.

The rest of the day went fine and we all expressed to
Megan Fox how much we appreciated working with her before
she left for the airport to return to Cairo to finish
another movie she was working on.

Day 2

In the dark, early hours of the next morning, we met at
the airport and boarded the chartered jet to Anchorage.
After landing, we drove another hour and a half to the
location. I asked Alex if this trip was necessary just to
get a shot of Chris urinating on an endangered species of
flower only found in Alaska. Alex was quick to correct me
with a firm slap across the face. I did my best to hide
my tears and reminded myself yet again to never question
his genius. Art is sacrifice.

With the cast and crew huddled around several propane
heaters, we filmed the 32 second shot of Chris urinating
on the flower.

We made the return trip home and met at the soundstage at
Facetious Studios. After the quick trip to Alaska, we
only had enough time left in the day to film one of the
rather dangerous stunts that takes place when my
character, Malcolm Holmes, is fighting the leader of the
cyborg army in the Aztec ruins.

The stunt coordinators reminded me of what to do in case
anything went wrong as they strapped me into the wire
rigging. In this scene, I am supposed to be thrown
through the air by an explosion where I fly into the
spinning propeller of a helicopter which immediately
sends my hurtling to the apex of the Aztec pyramid.

Needless to say, things didn't go as planned and I ended
up dying as a result of that stunt. It's a good thing
that Chris is in tight with a voodoo witch doctor. So we
had to change my character to a zombie, but what can you
do?